Valence Method

Relationship Readiness Assessment

Real connection doesn’t happen by accident. Research shows that skills like communication, emotional regulation, and repair predict long-term success (Gottman, 1994; Stanley & Markman, 2010).

This 5–7 minute self-assessment helps you find your current growth edge. Select a 1–5 rating for each item, total the three questions in each section, then follow the link for your lowest-scoring skill to get your research-backed one-pager.

Educational tool, not a clinical diagnostic. If you’re experiencing significant distress or safety concerns, please seek professional support.

Emotional Regulation & Self-Awareness

Notice, name, and modulate emotions; own your feelings without projection.
Scale: 1 = Strongly Disagree … 5 = Strongly Agree
Q1. I can calm myself without lashing out when I’m upset.
Q2. I understand my emotional triggers and patterns.
Q3. I take responsibility for my feelings instead of blaming others.

Communication & Listening

Express needs clearly; listen with curiosity and validation.
Scale: 1 = Strongly Disagree … 5 = Strongly Agree
Q4. I express what I need clearly and respectfully.
Q5. I listen to understand before responding.
Q6. I avoid sarcasm or defensiveness when I feel criticized.

Boundaries & Respect

Set and honor limits; treat others’ boundaries as information, not rejection.
Scale: 1 = Strongly Disagree … 5 = Strongly Agree
Q7. I feel comfortable saying no, even if it disappoints someone.
Q8. I respect another person’s boundaries without taking it personally.
Q9. I can state limits calmly and hold them if pressured.

Conflict & Repair

Disagree respectfully; make timely repairs; replace horsemen with antidotes.
Scale: 1 = Strongly Disagree … 5 = Strongly Agree
Q10. I can disagree without escalating or disrespecting.
Q11. I know how to apologize sincerely and make repairs.
Q12. Disagreements usually end in resolution, not resentment.

Commitment & Reliability

Follow through consistently; align promises with values and capacity.
Scale: 1 = Strongly Disagree … 5 = Strongly Agree
Q13. I follow through on what I say I’ll do.
Q14. I show up consistently for friends and partners.
Q15. People describe me as dependable.

Growth & Reciprocity

Support each other’s growth; keep giving and receiving in healthy balance.
Scale: 1 = Strongly Disagree … 5 = Strongly Agree
Q16. I’m open to feedback and use it to grow.
Q17. I give as much as I take in relationships.
Q18. I’m curious about others’ perspectives, even when I disagree.

Scorecard

Add your three answers in each category. Your lowest total is your current growth edge.

Skill Questions Your Total (3–15)
Emotional Regulation & Self-Awareness Q1 + Q2 + Q3
Communication & Listening Q4 + Q5 + Q6
Boundaries & Respect Q7 + Q8 + Q9
Conflict & Repair Q10 + Q11 + Q12
Commitment & Reliability Q13 + Q14 + Q15
Growth & Reciprocity Q16 + Q17 + Q18

© The Valence Method — informed by decades of relationship research (Gottman; Markman & Stanley; Brackett & Salovey; Neff; Aron; Reis & Shaver).

Based on your score, select the page that is most relevant for your growth.

Tip: If two totals tie for lowest, choose either one to start—or visit both pages.

Commitment & Reliability

Growth & Reciprocity

Conflict & Repair

Emotional Regulation

Communication & Listening

Boundaries & Respect